I’ve been gone for a hundred years. I just haven’t felt like writing. Hormones, emotions, avoiding the house like the plague, reasons, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. I’m here now so let’s do this.
I recently (and by “recently”, I mean sometime in the last month or two. I don’t know. I live in a time warp.) read an article about the danger of swaddling babies. According to the (stupid, stupid) article, you can: break baby’s arms by swaddling at the wrong angle, dress baby too warm and swaddle creating a sauna-like effect that kills baby instantly, wrap baby too tight and restrict breathing or wrap baby too loose and the wrap will come then become a blanket of death or, if using a swaddle suit, baby’s head can get stuck in the arm hole and baby can suffocate and die. My favorite: if baby is swaddled AND placed on it’s belly, baby will die.
No, really. WHAT?!?!
Baby’s head can get stuck in the arm hole? Really?! Have you seen a baby’s head? And have you seen the sleeve of a baby outfit? That would require a type of voodoo baby magic no baby has ever harnessed. And the swaddling on the belly? No, seriously. Do you live in a closet in a deep cave in a remote mountain range on another planet? Have you never heard of “Back to Sleep” or “Back is Best” or read a swaddle blanket or wrap/outfit label? Do you know how to read? Are you a baby yourself?
Some bonehead nurse wrote this “article”. I’m not even going to link it because I don’t want to defile any more eyes with her nonsensical writing and warnings. This piece of written trash was the last straw for me in a series of absurd recalls and warnings and promises of infant and child death.
Have you seen this recall?
“Monkey-Shaped Teethers Sold at Target Recalled for Choking Hazard” -NBC 4 Los Angeles
Apparently, the monkey’s tail is a choking hazard. When I saw this recall, I thought, “Hmm. That looks like a ridiculous and fear-mongering type of recall that I want to write about and make fun of but let me ask some questions first.” So, I asked a few questions on a mommy board that had posted the recall. I asked, “Does the tail detach somehow?”
“Okay. So, what’s the hazard?”
“Well, babies can gag themselves if they get the tail too far into their mouths.”
ARE YOU JOKING?! Yep! Throw the monkey out! Baby might gag! And, while we’re gag-proofing, let’s do something about these fingers babies keep gagging on! “Sorry, baby. Your baby fingers are a GAGGING HAZARD so we’re going to have to cut them off. Can’t let our little snowflake gag! Oh, and, nursing mother, your nips are too pointy. Baby could gag. Time for a file down!” SHOOT ME.
There’s also the Graco carseat recall.
Shockingly, if your toddler gets juice, ice cream, gummy bears, poop or some other substance into the buckle, it can jam making it difficult to unbuckle them. And somehow, that’s Graco’s fault and by some magic, a new buckle will solve your toddler’s crap-dropping problem. Does this new buckle replacement piece come with a force field that repels all food and drink and bodily fluids from the piece? Or maybe it’s equipped with a special feature that makes children stop whining for snacks on long trips and parents less desperate to shove a juice cup in their two-year-old’s general direction? Not likely. So, go away.
If we’re all shouting asinine safety warnings from the rooftops, here are mine:
1) The sun can give your children cancer but sunscreen will also give them cancer so never go outside.
2) A meteor or satellite or drone or UFO or large tree branch or heavy bird may fall on your house and kill everyone instantly so never stay inside for longer than absolutely necessary.
3) Your baby will die if they don’t get enough sleep but they’re 1 million times more likely to die in their sleep from 1 million different things so…um…figure that one out on your own.
4) Be sure to rear face your baby for eternity because their heads will snap right off in an accident.
5) While rear facing, make sure you can see your baby at all times and NEVER let them fall asleep because the angle could cause restricted breathing and they’ll die before you know it.
6) Sickness is everywhere. Invest in a bubble.
Look, according to these redonkulous statistics, recalls, reports and “true stories”, every child is just plastic monkey’s tail away from death at all times. Here are your options. Either, take a Xanax and do your best to be safe but reasonable or live in a legitimate underground bunker. Either way, being a parent is going to make you straight crazy. Enjoy.
And for the announcement, I will let Bear do the talking…
Baby Black number three is a little lady! We don’t have a name yet, but you’ll know her as The Princess. The Princess is due July 31st which means August. It also means I’ll be fat, sweaty and swollen for 95% of the summer. Can’t wait.