We’re All Gonna Die (Over Dramatic Rant + Bonus Baby Announcement!)

I’ve been gone for a hundred years. I just haven’t felt like writing. Hormones, emotions, avoiding the house like the plague, reasons, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. I’m here now so let’s do this.

I recently (and by “recently”, I mean sometime in the last month or two. I don’t know. I live in a time warp.) read an article about the danger of swaddling babies. According to the (stupid, stupid) article, you can: break baby’s arms by swaddling at the wrong angle, dress baby too warm and swaddle creating a sauna-like effect that kills baby instantly, wrap baby too tight and restrict breathing or wrap baby too loose and the wrap will come then become a blanket of death or, if using a swaddle suit, baby’s head can get stuck in the arm hole and baby can suffocate and die. My favorite: if baby is swaddled AND placed on it’s belly, baby will die.


No, really. WHAT?!?!

Baby’s head can get stuck in the arm hole? Really?! Have you seen a baby’s head? And have you seen the sleeve of a baby outfit? That would require a type of voodoo baby magic no baby has ever harnessed. And the swaddling on the belly? No, seriously. Do you live in a closet in a deep cave in a remote mountain range on another planet? Have you never heard of “Back to Sleep” or “Back is Best” or read a swaddle blanket or wrap/outfit label? Do you know how to read? Are you a baby yourself?

Some bonehead nurse wrote this “article”. I’m not even going to link it because I don’t want to defile any more eyes with her nonsensical writing and warnings. This piece of written trash was the last straw for me in a series of absurd recalls and warnings and promises of infant and child death.

Have you seen this recall?

“Monkey-Shaped Teethers Sold at Target Recalled for Choking Hazard” -NBC 4 Los Angeles


Apparently, the monkey’s tail is a choking hazard. When I saw this recall, I thought, “Hmm. That looks like a ridiculous and fear-mongering type of recall that I want to write about and make fun of but let me ask some questions first.” So, I asked a few questions on a mommy board that had posted the recall. I asked, “Does the tail detach somehow?”


“Okay. So, what’s the hazard?”

“Well, babies can gag themselves if they get the tail too far into their mouths.”


ARE YOU JOKING?! Yep! Throw the monkey out! Baby might gag! And, while we’re gag-proofing, let’s do something about these fingers babies keep gagging on! “Sorry, baby. Your baby fingers are a GAGGING HAZARD so we’re going to have to cut them off. Can’t let our little snowflake gag! Oh, and, nursing mother, your nips are too pointy. Baby could gag. Time for a file down!” SHOOT ME.

There’s also the Graco carseat recall.


Shockingly, if your toddler gets juice, ice cream, gummy bears, poop or some other substance into the buckle, it can jam making it difficult to unbuckle them. And somehow, that’s Graco’s fault and by some magic, a new buckle will solve your toddler’s crap-dropping problem. Does this new buckle replacement piece come with a force field that repels all food and drink and bodily fluids from the piece? Or maybe it’s equipped with a special feature that makes children stop whining for snacks on long trips and parents less desperate to shove a juice cup in their two-year-old’s general direction? Not likely. So, go away.

If we’re all shouting asinine safety warnings from the rooftops, here are mine:

1) The sun can give your children cancer but sunscreen will also give them cancer so never go outside.

2) A meteor or satellite or drone or UFO or large tree branch or heavy bird may fall on your house and kill everyone instantly so never stay inside for longer than absolutely necessary.

3) Your baby will die if they don’t get enough sleep but they’re 1 million times more likely to die in their sleep from 1 million different things so…um…figure that one out on your own.

4) Be sure to rear face your baby for eternity because their heads will snap right off in an accident.

5) While rear facing, make sure you can see your baby at all times and NEVER let them fall asleep because the angle could cause restricted breathing and they’ll die before you know it.

6) Sickness is everywhere. Invest in a bubble.

Look, according to these redonkulous statistics, recalls, reports and “true stories”, every child is just plastic monkey’s tail away from death at all times. Here are your options. Either, take a Xanax and do your best to be safe but reasonable or live in a legitimate underground bunker. Either way, being a parent is going to make you straight crazy. Enjoy.

And for the announcement, I will let Bear do the talking…


Baby Black number three is a little lady! We don’t have a name yet, but you’ll know her as The Princess. The Princess is due July 31st which means August. It also means I’ll be fat, sweaty and swollen for 95% of the summer. Can’t wait.

I'm sure I'm on page 897 so please vote. Or don't. Whatever.
I’m sure I’m on page 897 so please vote. Or don’t. Whatever.

Author: stephmessa

Writing, thinking, feeling.

29 thoughts on “We’re All Gonna Die (Over Dramatic Rant + Bonus Baby Announcement!)”

  1. Love this! All of it! Nothing else I can say about your post really – clever, hilarious and oh so true! And congrats on baby number three 🙂

  2. I think I’m going to use a belt to hold my future babies’ arms down when they sleep. That way I keep them from startling all the freaking time, avoid the death-by-sauna problem, and hey! Stylish belt.

  3. Asinine is the perfect word for all of this. There is also a new warning going around out there that Time-Outs are now harmful to kids because it makes them feel abandoned. We are such a stupid race. On a lighter note, congratulations on your third baby!! I’ve got two boys and am having baby fever so badly right now…..you lucky:)

    1. “We are such a stupid race.” I love it. I can’t even begin to handle some of the parenting “tips” going around. Then, I’d have to punch someone and then I’d feel bad and/or get in trouble. I just can’t.

  4. LMAO! I appreciate safety precautions and companies doing their best to ensure that our babies are safe and sound all the time, I feel that sometimes things are blown way out of proportion. My kid is a thumb sucker, maybe I should go ahead and cut her thumb off. It will solve my problem of how to make her stop the habit AND it will keep her from gagging! pfft
    Congrats mama! So sorry to hear about the hormones and all the blah blah blah, hope it abates so you can enjoy the glow of pregnancy!

  5. I laughed so hard at this I woke up the baby who of course promptly started crying seeing as her mommy had seemingly gone insane. Love the post, it is beyond hilarious!

  6. Ha ha! I love this. I think recalls are pretty much a “liability thing” – let’s cover our bases so we can’t be sued. It’s stupid and drives me crazy!

    I read the swaddling thing too. Whatever.

    I love your safety warnings… they had me howling.

    Congrats on the little lady!

    Wishing you a lovely day.

  7. Thank you for this. We are expecting our first baby in a few weeks and all the information on what to do and what not to do is overwhelming. It does seem like everything can/will kill your babies, although our parents did a lot of the things they warn against and we are all still here.

  8. Great post! It’s hard to imagine how the previous generations of babies made it. (Myself included) Haha! A time before all the recalls and hysteria. Back when they put babies on their tummies to sleep in cribs painted with lead based paint. I’m all for safety, but you’re right…things are getting ridiculous.

  9. Thank heb’m you’re back. I’m preg with baby number 4 (due in October, roughly two weeks before my next martini) and have recently decided everyone is horrible, so thanks for making me laugh. Keep those hits coming in!

  10. Laughed so hard at this, particularly the swaddling part because I couldn’t understand the anti-swaddling wall I came up against when I was swaddling my baby. Thanks for the laugh!

  11. Hilarious, and so true…
    I thought the recall for the Bumbo was ridiculous – they’d mail you this ridiculously thin black seat belt thing to attach – because ya know, if you put your baby in the Bumbo up on a table or something, your baby would fall out! (where else would you be putting your baby in the Bumbo where “falling out” would actually cause injury?!)
    Gotta love recalls that are related to the warnings on curling irons stating that it’s not for internal use. *facepalm*

    Congrats on your little girl on the way! (:

  12. Thank you, thank you. It’s been one of those days, ending with my little guy asking to pee-pee 45 seconds after getting back into bed after already asking to pee-pee after getting into bed. I never thought I’d get so mad about him wanting to pee-pee! Geez. Never really thought I’d write the word pee-pee so many times! Or at all. Anyway, thank you! I needed to laugh, and you helped majorly!

  13. Hahahaha, this article is hilarious 🙂 Great writing and couldn’t agree more with your point of view on those crazy product recalls (especially because my eshop sells the Graco Baby Car Seat, an absolutely amazing product in my humble opinion)


  14. Okay seriously… I am not sure what just happened… but I do believe that I just laughed my ass off the entire twenty minutes that it took me to read that.Yes… twenty minutes because I could not… COULD NOT… stop laughing. >.< Kudos momma… kudos

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