Teeth Whitening Olympics 2014 (Review, Giveaway, New Throwing-Slippers-at-Your-Kids Game)

The fine folks at Smile Brilliant sent me this kit of teeth whitening deliciousness to review and host a giveaway (they must have gotten wind of my coffee, tea and soda bingeing).

white2           white1

I’m sure they were hoping for a sweet paragraph something along the lines of

“From the moment the whitening paste touched my teeth, I have been living in a state of pearly white bliss. The LED light transformed my haggard yellow homeless man teeth into a toothpaste commercial and I am eternally grateful. My life has changed and I will never be the same.”

Wouldn’t that be nice.

While my testimony isn’t the exact opposite of this fairy tale, it is a little more colorful. Here’s reality:

“For the love of all that is sane in this life, DO NOT use this product while your children are conscious. If that simply cannot be avoided, ONLY commence the whitening process once you have gone into a long, detailed and painfully descriptive account of what’s about to happen. Otherwise, you will spend AT LEAST 20 minutes grunting ‘SHUT UP!’ as your children beg for you to take ‘that monster flashlight’ out of your mouth. Also, certainly do not use in front of anyone you want to impress or really just other humans in general because you will be drooling like a teething toddler. Other than that, two thumbs up!”

But, seriously. The whitening product is great. It’s my kids that are a little too awesome while I’m making use of the product that’s the problem. I failed to explain what I was doing and they failed to silence themselves for a solid 2o minutes. “Mom! What are you doing? MOM! Answer me! MOM!! YOU’RE A MONSTER!!”

Since I was covered in whitening paste, biting a mouthguard and shining an LED light into my mouth, I couldn’t really say much. Instead, we played a rousing game of kick-your-slippers-gently-down-the-hall-toward-your-child’s-face. They could not have been happier dodging my pink cheetah print slippers and I could not have been happier not hearing “Mom, why are you a monster?” every five seconds (apparently, shining a blue light onto your teeth is very monster-like).

It's kind of monstery.
It’s kind of monstery.

And now it’s your turn to drool and throw slippers at your kids! Sign up to win! The winner will be announced in one week.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

PS: Monkey just saw this picture and said, “I was scared of that blue thing in your mouth. Then, you threw slippers at me and it was funny.” This is real life, y’all.

We're doing it! I'm back on page 1!
We’re doing it! I’m back on page 1!

Author: stephmessa

Writing, thinking, feeling.

17 thoughts on “Teeth Whitening Olympics 2014 (Review, Giveaway, New Throwing-Slippers-at-Your-Kids Game)”

  1. I liked your post. You made a review for a random teeth whitening product funny. Congratulations. (Unless your a corporate robot who’s been planning this post for a while. I randomly get suspicious of other blog posters on the internet. I don’t think you are.) Anyway, thanks for your entertaining, genuine review and miniature account of life. It was appreciated.

    1. Haha. No corporate robots here. My promise to myself once I started accepting products for review was to continue to be The Mom in Black even while pedaling teeth whitener. Looks like I’m fulfilling my promise.

  2. I seriously laugh from beginning to end!!! I wish I was naturally as funny and witty as you. Were you always like this or is it something that developed over time? Keep the posts coming because this mom needs a lot of laughter to get through some of those not so funny days. Thanks for knowing your awesome and showing the World! 🙂

  3. Love your blog, this is the first and only blog I actually read! It is funny and honest! I am still not sure I know what blog means though. Love that you aren’t afraid to bleah your teeth in front of us all. I am in desperate need of some pearly whites myself!

  4. Seriously, hysterical. I love picturing your monkey man hollering at you…and I have ever intention of checking out your pearly whites in the near future.
    (Creepy internet stalker anyone??)

  5. Brilliant! Just found this blog, love it, right up my street..and love this post. I dread to think what my two would have done…I think as you alluded to, I’d have had to wait until they were unconscious 😉

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